Advice for Couples

"I'm So Fed Up With Broken Agreements In Our Relationship."


Does this sound like you? If so... read on.

As it is in most relationships, you've probably made many agreements with your partner. Some that are relatively small, such as who will take the trash to the curb each week while others are larger and probably more significant, like agreeing to be monogamous with one another.

When an agreement is broken, whether purposely or not, the effects can vary. A person may be understanding and okay with it or he or she may feel hurt and angry. Constantly breaking agreements in a relationship may cause your relationship to be at risk of falling apart. Something you don't want to happpen, I'm sure of it.

You and your partner can become withdrawn from one another, sometimes to the point where your ability to connect and love each another seems impossible. I know from my own experience that it can be very stressful and frustrating when one or the other fails to keep an agreement.

How and when you choose to communicate with your partner about an agreement that has fallen through can make a huge difference to the future of your relationship. The same is true with any future agreements the two of you make together.

An Example Of A Broken Agreement Might Go Something Like This...


Mandy is a stay at home mom while her husband Matt financially supports the family. Over the last several months Mandy has taken an interest in making crafts and hopes to make some money with it in the near future. When she is not tending to their young children and the home, this is how she spends her free time. Mandy has been counting down the days the next week's craft show at a nearby arena.

Two months ago when Mandy signed up for the craft show, her husband Matt agreed to take the day off from work to watch their kids so Mandy could attend. Since making the initial agreement, however, Matt has said nothing about requesting that day off. Now, with the craft show just 2 days away, Mandy asks Matt if he's arranged to be home that day. Matt admits that he had forgotten all about it.

Mandy feels so angry that Matt has again broken an agreement that would allow her to do something that she enjoys. She resents that now she will have to try to find alternative child care or miss the craft show. Mandy is so angry that she walks out of the room refusing to talk with him.

Word Of Advice... *Be Honest And Open*


If you are unable to follow through with the agreement made between you and your partner, the best thing to do is to be honest and up front about it. No matter how small the agreement seems to you or how upset you think your partner may be. The best thing is to come clean about what has happened. Even if you don't think it will make a difference, it is better to be honest about it than to not say anything at all.

By being honest and up front ,you can be assured that your partner will have a much calmer reaction and be more understanding. Yes, I know this may be difficult to do. You may feel embarrassed or ashamed of your actions. Don't fret. Be courageous and act with integrity. It will also show your partner that you are willing to work together to begin to repair the damage that was done so that the two of you can rebuild your trust.

First Reactions To Broken Agreements - How Should You React?

If you are angry with someone who constantly breaks agreements your first reaction may be to lash out at him or her or to shut them out. Often times  he or she may utter some really hurtful words, which can make it even more difficult to come together at a later time to discuss the situation. Always be conscious of your thoughts... because what you're thinking tends to come out verbally as well.

Practical ways of getting your anger out are to go for a walk, a drive or somewhere so you can be by yourself and have time to think and cool off. It will also give your partner time to be alone so that he or she can collect their thoughts and feelings as well. Once you have calmed down and have had a chance to think you will be able to communicate from your heart to your partner how this broken agreement makes you feel.

You could say something like this... "I feel so sad and don't feel very important to you at this moment. Could we talk about how I can go to this craft show that is so important to me?"

I like to refer to this example as using "magic words". It is a great way of saying what's important to you without bringing up every broken agreement in the past and shutting your partner off from helping with the solution.

An example for helping with the solution may be for the person to offer their help, or take full responsibility, to find alternate child care. This will show your partner that you really do value him or her. If you and your partner are open to making new agreements, in the face of broken ones, you are on your way to rebuilding trust. As you pratice being honest, open, and flexible with one another you will become closer and your relationship will flourish.

Create new agreements and follow through with them. This may take time, especially if something like infidelity has happened. When you are honest and up front, you are being open to your partner and they will more open to you as well and be willing to hear and accept your heartfelt apology and reasons for not keeping the agreement in the first place.

All the best to you and yours.

Most of us remember that incredibly blissful feeling of being "in love" at least once in our lives.

You couldn't breathe, you couldn't concentrate and all you wanted to do was to be with your beloved, basking in that delicious magnetic pull toward each other. You couldn't get enough of one another. You felt like it was "right" and you were at"home."

Now we know that it's not realistic (or even desirable) to go through life like this-- feeling so ungrounded, scattered and  unfocused all the time that you can't get much done.

What happens for most couples is...

For some mysterious reason in the process of "settling down", we lose all or most of this excitement and powerful feelings of love and attraction we felt for one another.

We settle into comfort and routine and those intense feelings get so watered down that we have trouble finding them.

Most of the people who begin to question whether they want to be in the relationship they're in or not (and the ones who get our "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" program at http://www.StayorGo.com ) tell us that what happened for them is what happened for many couples... And that's where somewhere along the line they lost the passion, spark and desire that they once had. 

It all sort of fades away and they ended up wondering "what just happened?" We've discovered that it doesn't have to be this way.

While you probably don't want those exact feelings you had when you were first in love (we don't), but what you may want is a more seasoned hybrid of it. In other words, you may want a little more spark than what you have now without all the drama and intensity that's over the edge.

The good news is that you don't have to get divorced or go find a new partner to find it.

Here are 4 ways that we and other couples use to fall in love over and over again with each other...

1.  Go on a no-criticism diet
If there's one thing people tell us that kills love and passion, it's constant criticism, even in your mind. Criticism is one of those habits that we learn from our early care-givers and others--and we keep on doing it   sometimes in the guise of "helping" our loved one become a "better" person.

Criticizing another person also might help us feel superior or better than someone else--for a moment at least-- even though we may not be aware that that's why we're doing it. The only thing criticism actually does is let that other person know that you don't think they're okay the way they are. And that pushes the two of you away from one another and certainly kills passion.

If you can recognize that criticism is an unhealthy pattern in your relationship,put an end to it. If one person is doing it, both of you are probably guilty of it.

So start with you and pay attention to where you are automatically thinking or saying that your partner is wrong. And then stop--and suggest that maybe the two of you could take the no- criticism challenge together. Substitute something you like about him or her in place of the criticism you have.

For example--

Your thought--"Why doesn't he/she ever close the cabinet door?"

Your substitution--"I like the way he/she sat next to me on the couch last night when we were watching one of my favorite shows on TV."

Of course there are times when you do need to talk about things that are bothering you and give healthy feedback.

We're not saying that that never happens... What we're saying is to monitor your thoughts and what you say for even one day to see where you are focusing on what you don't want rather than what you do want.

2. Get curious about your partner.
In order to fall in love again, you have to look with new eyes at your partner and at your relationship. This might take some doing if you've been hurt in the past but if both of you want to recapture what you had, you'll need to wipe out your preconceived ideas about him or her.

We all change in every moment and we might think we know what our thinking and feeling but we really don't. Instead of making up stories about what we think is going on with our partner, be open to listening from a very different perspective.

It's a perspective that says we really don't know what our partner is thinking or feeling and that we're open to finding out--without getting defensive..

One of the "magic words" that we use a lot to open both of us to listening more deeply and lovingly to each other is this phrase... "Tell me more about that..."

Instead of jumping in and taking over the conversation with something that was our experience, when we use this phrase, we're saying to the other person that "You are important and I want to know more about what you're thinking and feeling."

You can find more magic words and phrases at http://www.MagicRelationshipWords.com

3. Fall in love with yourself.
The old adage is true--you can't love another until you love yourself. If you're constantly thinking you're not worth loving, then these thoughts put up walls between you and others. We're just not open to fully loving others when we're overly self-critical.

So instead of thinking that it's a lost cause because you have so many faults and shortcomings (we all feel a little of this)... Start finding ways to love yourself. Remember what we said about going on a no-criticism diet?

Well that goes for criticizing yourself too. Most of us feel like we are our own worst critic. While it's certainly healthy to see what you may be doing that hurts another person or yourself and then make changes that would make your life better...

It's not healthy to have a string of constant criticism that says "You're stupid," "You'll never succeed," "You can't do anything right," or whatever it is that you tell yourself. Start monitoring your mind to find out what you say to yourself about you.

If you're constantly putting yourself down, tell yourself something that is true about yourself and will take you in the direction you want to go. Do something nice for yourself every day--something pleasurable-- and really bask in the pleasure of it. That's loving yourself.  And it's true... When you can love yourself more, you open the door for others to love you more.

4. Open yourself to finding a common passion together and do things that take you beyond what may be comfortable for you.

We can get in a rut and when we do, all passion withers and dies--whether it's in the bedroom, our work or in  other areas of our lives. If you want more passion, you have to prime the pump. You have to find some new ways to connect--possibly the way you used to when you were first together.

It might also be some new ways that possibly could stretch your comfort level.

The other day the two of us explored a new area of the bike path that's near our house. Now we love to bike together so that wasn't new but that day we rode further than we had before--spending the afternoon enjoying each other and the day.

The ride turned out to be really fun for the two of us but we may not have done it if we had planned to  ride for 14 miles that day. It was a little out of our comfort level and a little different from our regular rides.

The point is to find some things that you like to do together and be open to some surprises.

You can fall in love again. It may not happen overnight but it can happen. 

We've seen it happen. But it won't unless you take that first step toward it.

Infidelity appears to be on the rise...  If this isn't a problem in your relationship or marriage.... then please pass this on to someone you know who could be having this issue... 

The future of their relationship could depend on it. 

If this is a problem for you, then knowing  the first step in surviving infidelity is going to be incredibly important to you. 

This is why we want to recommend our good friend and colleague, Dr. Bob Huizenga's new book to you. 

It's called...  "The First Step In Surviving Infidelity" 

Bob sent us a review copy and we can tell you it's full of powerful insights, suggestions and strategies for dealing with infidelity or an affair.  It's something we highly recommend.  You can check it out here... The First Step To Surviving Infidelity

We don't know whether it's the economy, the weather, people are just going through massive personal changes or what but... 

As we go through our day, it's really clear that affairs and infidelity appear to be more commonplace than ever before. 

If this is an issue for you (or for someone you know), it's real and it's personal.

Just the other day, Otto was getting his teeth cleaned and the dental hygienist said that she personally knew of 10 couples who were having serious relationship problems, most of them because of one or both of the partners were cheating. 

We're always looking for the best resources to help you create the best relationship possible. 

That's why... When we saw Dr. Huizenga's new book, "The First Step In Surviving infidelity," we didn't hesitate to tell you about it. 

If infidelity is an issue for you, do yourself a favor and check out ...

"The First Step In Surviving Infidelity." 

You'll get the guidance you need from someone we trust and highly respect and recommend. 

Check it out here... Your First Step In Surviving Infidelity