Advice for Couples

"I'm So Fed Up With Broken Agreements In Our Relationship."


Does this sound like you? If so... read on.

As it is in most relationships, you've probably made many agreements with your partner. Some that are relatively small, such as who will take the trash to the curb each week while others are larger and probably more significant, like agreeing to be monogamous with one another.

When an agreement is broken, whether purposely or not, the effects can vary. A person may be understanding and okay with it or he or she may feel hurt and angry. Constantly breaking agreements in a relationship may cause your relationship to be at risk of falling apart. Something you don't want to happpen, I'm sure of it.

You and your partner can become withdrawn from one another, sometimes to the point where your ability to connect and love each another seems impossible. I know from my own experience that it can be very stressful and frustrating when one or the other fails to keep an agreement.

How and when you choose to communicate with your partner about an agreement that has fallen through can make a huge difference to the future of your relationship. The same is true with any future agreements the two of you make together.

An Example Of A Broken Agreement Might Go Something Like This...


Mandy is a stay at home mom while her husband Matt financially supports the family. Over the last several months Mandy has taken an interest in making crafts and hopes to make some money with it in the near future. When she is not tending to their young children and the home, this is how she spends her free time. Mandy has been counting down the days the next week's craft show at a nearby arena.

Two months ago when Mandy signed up for the craft show, her husband Matt agreed to take the day off from work to watch their kids so Mandy could attend. Since making the initial agreement, however, Matt has said nothing about requesting that day off. Now, with the craft show just 2 days away, Mandy asks Matt if he's arranged to be home that day. Matt admits that he had forgotten all about it.

Mandy feels so angry that Matt has again broken an agreement that would allow her to do something that she enjoys. She resents that now she will have to try to find alternative child care or miss the craft show. Mandy is so angry that she walks out of the room refusing to talk with him.

Word Of Advice... *Be Honest And Open*


If you are unable to follow through with the agreement made between you and your partner, the best thing to do is to be honest and up front about it. No matter how small the agreement seems to you or how upset you think your partner may be. The best thing is to come clean about what has happened. Even if you don't think it will make a difference, it is better to be honest about it than to not say anything at all.

By being honest and up front ,you can be assured that your partner will have a much calmer reaction and be more understanding. Yes, I know this may be difficult to do. You may feel embarrassed or ashamed of your actions. Don't fret. Be courageous and act with integrity. It will also show your partner that you are willing to work together to begin to repair the damage that was done so that the two of you can rebuild your trust.

First Reactions To Broken Agreements - How Should You React?

If you are angry with someone who constantly breaks agreements your first reaction may be to lash out at him or her or to shut them out. Often times  he or she may utter some really hurtful words, which can make it even more difficult to come together at a later time to discuss the situation. Always be conscious of your thoughts... because what you're thinking tends to come out verbally as well.

Practical ways of getting your anger out are to go for a walk, a drive or somewhere so you can be by yourself and have time to think and cool off. It will also give your partner time to be alone so that he or she can collect their thoughts and feelings as well. Once you have calmed down and have had a chance to think you will be able to communicate from your heart to your partner how this broken agreement makes you feel.

You could say something like this... "I feel so sad and don't feel very important to you at this moment. Could we talk about how I can go to this craft show that is so important to me?"

I like to refer to this example as using "magic words". It is a great way of saying what's important to you without bringing up every broken agreement in the past and shutting your partner off from helping with the solution.

An example for helping with the solution may be for the person to offer their help, or take full responsibility, to find alternate child care. This will show your partner that you really do value him or her. If you and your partner are open to making new agreements, in the face of broken ones, you are on your way to rebuilding trust. As you pratice being honest, open, and flexible with one another you will become closer and your relationship will flourish.

Create new agreements and follow through with them. This may take time, especially if something like infidelity has happened. When you are honest and up front, you are being open to your partner and they will more open to you as well and be willing to hear and accept your heartfelt apology and reasons for not keeping the agreement in the first place.

All the best to you and yours.