Advice for Couples

If you suspect your man is cheating, we're guessing that you're going through something like this...
*Every conversation that you overhear or are part of seems to involve a man having an affair or somehow deceiving his partner.

*Every movie or television show that you watch involves one character (or more) being unfaithful.

*Every song you hear on the radio has to do with being lied to and betrayed.

Everywhere you look and everything you hear seems to have some connection with infidelity... This is the way that it can seem when you suspect that your own man is lying to you and possibly cheating.

It can appear that the whole world is either talking about cheating or actually in the process of having an affair. When you are in a place like this, it can be overwhelming and disheartening. It can also be very confusing.

You can very easily and quickly lose sight of what's going on in your own life when it seems that you are surrounded by what you fear is actually happening in your own love relationship or marriage. It's certainly difficult to know what is or isn't true about your partner and your relationship when your focus is scattered.

It is also hard to make decisions about your future when you feel overwhelmed and unfocused. This is a time when you really need to focus. If you suspect that your man is lying to you and also possibly cheating, it's vital that you find ways to regain your focus so that you can determine what's really going on.

To help you focus in on the correct steps to take if you want to find out once and for all if your man is lying and cheating, go to "Where There's Smoke There's Fire: How To Tell If Your Man's A Liar".  It's crucial that you return to what's most important to you and give care and attention to those people and things.

Here are some suggestions for how to stay focused on what's most important as you deal with your suspicions and questions...

#1: Learn to tune out troubling conversations with friends, family and acquaintances.
Right now is not the best time for you to be listening to your co-worker talk about what a two-timing jerk her boyfriend is. If you are with a friend, family member, acquaintance or even a stranger and the conversation turns to talk about affairs, lying or even breakups and divorce, politely change the subject.

You can offer a hug to someone you care about or some other form of comfort and support that does not involve listening to his or her tale of infidelity. This doesn't mean that you have to be rude or unkind. What it does mean is that you don't need to listen to the details of someone else's unhappy relationship.

If you have specific questions about techniques the person may have used to find out that his or her partner was having an affair, you can ask. If you would like the name of the counselor, coach, book, tape or other resource that was helpful to this person, ask about that.

This type of information can help you become clearer about the suspicions that you have about your own relationship. Listening to what another person has experienced-- and then comparing your own situation to that-- will not help you stay focused.

#2: Practice questioning your thoughts.
With all of these reminders that a lot of people have affairs all around you, your mind can quickly fill with thoughts. You might think to yourself, "Every man cheats, why would mine be any different?" Or, "I am probably being duped into believing that he's been faithful all of these years, just like she was." Thoughts like these may or may not be true. Until you have concrete and reliable proof, you just don't know. This is why learning how to  your thoughts is such a valuable skill.

It mostly requires practice. First of all, you need to pause and realize that you are thinking a thought-- this doesn't happen as automatically as you might expect. After noticing what the thought is, ask yourself if you know this to be true. Quite a bit of the time, you'll find that you really don't know if that thought you are thinking is true or untrue. When you realize that you just don't know, decide what you will do next. Do you want to just release this thought or would you like to gather information that will help you decide if it is accurate or inaccurate?

#3: Know and remember your priorities.
Take out a sheet of paper right now and make a list. Write down what your priorities are. You don't need to even think too much about this, just write. Hopefully you wrote down yourself and giving yourself nourishing self-care as priorities. If you have a child or children, it's likely that you wrote down his or her name/s. You may also have written down things such as: having a house in which to live, food to eat, water to drink, an enjoyable job, a reliable form of transportation, good health, satisfaction with your life, friends and family, etc.

Remind yourself that your relationship-- and worries about whether or not your man is having an affair-- is not your only priority right now. We're not suggesting that you ignore the signs that you are seeing that indicate your man might be cheating.

In fact, we encourage you to find out what's truly going on so that you don't have to go through this anguish any longer--and a good way to do that is to systematically find out the truth by using our "Where There's Smoke There's Fire: How To Tell If Your Man's A Liar" program. Part of regaining your focus is remembering all of the supportive people, things and practices available to you right now.

#4: Return to the present moment.
You simply cannot deal with your relationship challenges and the suspicions that you have about your partner when you are mainly thinking about and reacting from the past (or even the future). It is easy to slide back to an argument or painful experience that you had in this relationship in the past or even in another relationship that has now ended. It can be easy to speak and act from that memory that still seems so vivid and raw. But, when you do that, you aren't engaging with what's going on right here and right now. You miss a lot and the tension and distance in your current relationship can inflate even more as a result.

Get into the habit of recognizing it when you "leave" the present moment. Try this exercise to bring yourself back to the now: If you can, create a quiet space where you can be alone. If you are in the middle of a conversation, you can ask the person you are talking with to pause for a few moments. Take a slow, deep breath. Close your eyes if you find this helpful. Bring your attention to your breathing.

Notice yourself breathe in and then breathe out. See if you can make it so that your in breath seems to come up from the floor or ground and into your feet. Watch that breath travel up through your body and then exhale it out the top of your head.

Move your breath through your body in this way at least 3 times. On the fourth in breath, really feel your feet as they connect with the ground or floor. Feel the ground under you, supporting you and stabilizing you. As your breath moves up through your body, feel that sense of being supported, steady and clear moving throughout you.

When you open your eyes or return to the conversation you were having, continue to breathe deeply and slowly. Continue to focus on your breath and on what is being said in each moment.
Remember--focus is the key.

By Susie and Otto Collins